So, THIS is the Guardian's round-up of 2013's twenty-five best games (and the ones that "didn't quite make it")? Normally, I don't go in for video game journalism because I have a working pair of testicles and I've held onto at least 11% of the street cred I garnered after breaking David Carsch's glasses in seventh grade.
However, today's feature caught my eye because, well, it's a FUCKING DISPATCH FROM BIZARRO WORLD.
That's promotional art from Sony and Naughty Dog's The Last of Us I stole from the Internet, where everyone's got a song in their heart and no one ever gets litigious.
The Last of Us concerns the post-pandemic adventures of Joel and Ellie, who are pictured above in a pastoral image straight from the most inappropriate Little Golden Book ever published. TLoU is quite probably the most moving and dramatically-legit video game yet made. Plus, the character models are basically real people, and the voice-acting is unsurpassed, AND the music will break your heart and make you weep like an emotionally-damaged foster child.
Um, it's an essential title. And you've heard of it even if you don't own a PlayStation 3 or enjoy video games. In fact, if you have an Internet connection and aren't from Planet Choo-choo, you at least KNOW OF The Last of Us...
Please don't front. And do check yourself before you wreck yourself.
The Guardian, however, chose not to recognize the game IGN called, "The most candidly fucked-up, and boner-raising horror title since Mary Kate and Ashley's Chainsaw Sock Hop," and GameSpot referred to as, "A real hoot!"
The fact that neither of those quotes are real has nothing do with the legitimacy of my complaint -- and my complaint is: the Guardian's a bunch of cunts.
Is that even a complaint? I don't know, I failed Semantics. What I didn't fail is the KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A GOOD GAME AND A BAD GAME... CLASS.
I'm upset here, guys!
What freaks me out most is the fact that the game isn't even mentioned in the comments section. I mean, it IS possible that the authors overlooked The Last of Us when compiling their list -- hey, they're English video game writers; they have enough on their plates with the constant mockery, muggings, and bed-wettings. But for the FANS to shun what Francine McFadden of Time magazine called, "The blow job equivalent of electronic entertainment"? That sends me reeling!
To make matters even more fucked, the Guardian has locked the comments section on this particular article. I spent fifteen minutes trying to remember my log-in info only to find that I couldn't post my hilarious "HEY, DOCTOR WHO FAGZ -- GO HAVE A TEA PARTY WITH A QUEEN AND STOP WRITING ABOUT AWESOME SHIT YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO GRASP OF, NOR LOVE FOR!! FUCK OFF, YOU MEDIEVAL CASTLE-ASS NIGGAAAZ!!!" comment.
ALAS! There's really nothing to be done about these kind of lapses in journalistic judgement, even if they're so FUCKING HEINOUS they rekindle my belief in God (Optimus Prime, Gandalf, Nell Carter, WHOEVER YOU PRAY TO) -- because no one else could have birthed a world in which The Best Console Game Ever Made is virtually excluded from a major paper's year-end list, and not one buck-toothed British nerd raises a cry of, "SYSTEM BIAS!" or "BUGGER OFF!"
Alright, I'm going to get back to Chainsaw Sock Hop -- I'm up to the part where Lord Gout explodes out of that basement furnace, and you have to douse a hospital fire before Grisly Gourmet finishes making the sauce for her famous "baby bourguignon". The batteries are running low on my puke green Casio Game-Tzar, anyway...
Happy Christmas, gang!
