Hey, here's a movie you probably don't care about...
It's worth mentioning that if you click on that poster image you'll get to watch a trailer that doesn't make a lot sense . . . unless you've already seen the movie. I especially like it when those two demented Aryan Kidz® snicker at the lil' ragamuffin's Christmas wish for a bicycle...
Fuck you, pauper! Your Caldor-brand stocking's gonna be full of coal -- or would be if your parents hadn't spent all the coal money on food stamps! Also, you're adopted.
Anyhoo, One Magic Christmas is a Disney film from 1985. It's pretty surreal, and probably deserves its current spot in the dustbin of misbegotten and unloved '80s family entertainment. Though, it IS kind of a hoot if you pretend Harry Dean Stanton's playing a mentally-ill transient instead of, whatsit?, a "Christmas angel?"
They're all Christmas angels in the Cuckoo's Nest, baby.
So, here's a Christmassy playlist I'm not going to upload because I don't want to go to federal prison:
01. Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane) - The Chipmunks
- It's kitschy for sure, but it's also a lot of fun. Like fondu, or gay men.
02. Christmas Time Is Here (Vocal Version) - The Vince Guaraldi Trio
- I once heard this referred to as "The saddest music in the world." Yep.
03. The Man with All the Toys - The Beach Boys
- At a time when things were going right for our friend Brian. Beatlesque and beautiful.
04. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses
- That Patty Donahue was something else. She died of lung cancer, aged 40. Happy Holidays!
05. Twelve Days of Christmas - Bob & Doug McKenzie
- "And three other days, which I believe are the mystery days." C'mon!
06. Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley
- The greatest Christmas album of all time that I know of...
07. Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight) - The Ramones
- Kind of schmaltzy but, hey, Joey Ramone was a black leather Muppet.
08. Frosty the Snowman - The Chipmunks
- Awesome. I hope the intro has been sampled.
09. Christmas in Hollis - Run-D.M.C.
- Black people were excluded from Christmas until 1987.
10. Merry Christmas, Baby - Otis Redding
- This contradicts what I just said.
11. Another Lonely Christmas - Prince
- This was a B-side from the Purple Rain era. You're welcome.
12. Joy to the World - Sufjan Stevens
- Fresh for 2012, from Stevens' five-disc box set of Christmas music. Not kidding.
13. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing - The Vince Guaraldi Trio
- The greatest Christmas special of all time that I know of...
14. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas - The Chipmunks
- As sung by "David Seville." Utterly heartwarming, and I'm not even pulling your chain.
15. Silent Night - Elvis Presley
- There's no better way to end a Christmas mix-tape. Great music to die with!
Honorable mentions (fun, but too NEGA for inclusion):
No Presents for Christmas - King Diamond
- This exists!
Fuck Christmas - Fear
- Belushi's choice!
Now, go steal all of that music from the Internet (or just click the YouTube links) and play it loud while you get wasted on that monster egg nog your brother makes with lighter fluid.
That's how you praise Baby Jesus in style. Merry Christmas!
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